Wednesday, August 12, 2020

I Got To Be Bart Phillips' Big Brother!

10 years ago today, my little brother, Bart, was called home from this Earth by His Creator. I can't believe it's been ten years.

His three boys were 6, 8, and 10 when that moment came. Most of you know it was a brain aneurysm that ruptured and caused his death. Today, I want to look forward, not backward. Of course, there's no door shutting on the past...we remember it all. But here's the forward part: I want you to know that those three boys have absolutely thrived in the years since their Daddy passed.

I guess they're 16, 18, and 20 now or thereabout and each in his own way is seizing the day. Gabe is on fire at ORU, singing, songwriting, and learning to be a Pastor. Luke, talented keyboardist, had his gap year cut short, but made it to South America where his curiosity and joie de vivre brought a smile to everyone with whom he crossed paths during those few months. Stay tuned for his imprint on the world...it's coming. Nate excels in his high school musicals in Colorado Springs and can wail on lead guitar. (Plays lots of classic rock solos, so Uncle Wes digs that big time!) Lest you think that's all, our beloved Suzi , the boys' mom, met a guy named McCormack that we love and he brought another son, handsome Liam, into the mix - and then there were SIX! It is truly amazing how God takes our mourning and turns it into dancing - isn't it? (in His time, of course.) Yeah, it took awhile for us to accept this sad turn, but we decided to work on acceptance instead of persisting in our grief. I can't wait to see what unfolds as this story continues to be written. I miss you today, little brother, but I will see you again when I am called and I look forward to that sweet reunion with great anticipation. Thank you for the absolute blast we had growing up...and for being the aroma of Christ in our lives for the 40 years you were here! One of these days! ☺




































This was a moment when we buried the cremated remains of our father just off the Rainbow Trail in Colorado.  My dad taught us to love the mountains and took us there all our life.  Thanks, Dad!  (Bart sporting his 'Superman' boots.  SO awesome they were!)

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

I’m sitting here, relaxing at home after an eventful, pretty crazy, two day drive home from our annual Crested Butte Mountain Conference in Colorado. We had a fantastic week in the cool, crisp mountain air, refreshing and motivating as it always is.
  
But it was the drive home where our newfound serenity was tested.While in the mountains, Sue and I spent time together soaking up great speaker sessions, dining on Crested Butte’s finest cuisine, and cruising colorful Colorado on my ’98 Harley Davidson Fat Boy, which has logged more miles up there than in Texas.  You see, the asphalt up there is much cooler and the wind doesn’t feel like a 1400 watt blow dryer in your face.  So we love taking the bike with us to the mountains.  Now, if you like the idea of having your bike with you in Colorado, and unless you want to ride that beast 900 miles each way, you trailer it up there.  I used to haul it in the back of my giant Toyota Tundra, because it had an eight foot bed.  It worked great because you could close the tailgate with the whole bike inside.  But because of the height of that truckbed, there were some humorous, sometimes serious, loading and unloading episodes.  But since I traded down to a smaller Toyota Tacoma a couple of years ago with roughly half the truck bed of the big boy, trailering is the only way to go.  Thanks to my buddy, Ken, I was able to use his perfectly sized Magnum two wheeled trailer, complete with attached loading ramp.  Harleys tend to run in the 600-700 lb range, so pulling one behind you requires ample horsepower and experience.  I generally found the Tacoma up to the task, but noticed its 4.0 liter V6 was not the power wagon that was the V-8 Tundra.  Nonetheless, it did the job both ways for a total of around 1800 miles.

Crested Butte or BUST!!!
The following story chronicles the events of our drive home, which offered a number of useful life lessons. We were on the way back, and it was Sunday morning around 11am in Amarillo, Texas and I had just put the 2nd new tire on our trailer - both of which failed over a span of 50 miles - the first one North of Amarillo Saturday night about 7:00 p.m, and the other about an hour before.

There’s an interesting story about a used boat trailer tire that actually disappeared the night before, but I’ll get to that later.  We had departed Crested Butte just before 8am Mountain Standard Time to head home to Austin.

Driving to and from Colorado is hard.  People will often gasp when you tell them you drove that distance and you’ll hear something like “Holy cow, you DROVE?!”  I’ve heard this for years.   But, to be sure, this journey is not for the faint of heart - or the unprepared.  Driving to and from Colorado has been an annual event in my driving world since my freshman year at Abilene Christian University, and my Dad drove us back and forth my whole childhood...more than once in our 1972 Olds Vista Cruiser wagon with the faux wood sides and glass window across the top.   I bet we’ve trekked to and from there fifty times, skiing nearly every mountain in Colorado and New Mexico in the past 40 years.  Some trips have been more eventful than others.  I remember the time four of us recent college grads were in my 1981 Toyota long bed two wheel drive pickup with matching camper shell on back.  It was a particularly icy trip, with the freezing rain and sleet hitting us long before we got out of Texas.  Marcus was driving, PJ was copilot, and Mitch and I were fast asleep in the camper, getting some shuteye before our turn to drive.  Exactly where we were that night, I couldn’t tell you, but distinctly remember lucidly dreaming that we were spinning like a top up the highway somewhere in north Texas.  As Mitch and I  awoke from our slumber, we rolled over and exchanged that cringing look of fear, wondering what physical juggernaut might end up stopping this rotating Japanese beer can full of college dudes.  To our amazement, the Toyota came to rest with the rubber side still down, sans any crashing sounds or impacts.  I faintly remember Steely Dan still pumping through the Jensen 6 x 9’s in the back, against the silent stillness of the softly falling snow outside the truck.  I raised my head to look into the cab through the sliding back window in time to see a stunned Marcus shift the truck out of gear and turn off the key.  It was pitch dark, but we quickly surmised that we had crossed not only two lanes on the northbound side, but the ditch between, the two southbound lanes, and the ditch on the southbound side as well.  I’m imagining we looked something like Tonya Harding attempting her first double axel across a frozen pond during her childhood.  But I digress.  Suffice it to say I’ve had my share of entertainment during these grueling two day drives to colorful Colorado over the decades.

It was our first day on the return road trip and Sue and I had had a relatively uneventful drive thus far headed toward Texas.  Having just summited Monarch Pass, we weaved our way east down the Arkansas River Valley on Highway 50, noticing the unusually angry whitewater fueled by a huge winter snowfall and subsequent runoff season.  Within a few miles, we had rolled up on my favorite shortcut. 
 
If you ever find yourself at the wide spot in the road they call Cotopaxi on Hwy 50, you’ll see the familiar green dinosaur of the Sinclair brand, and you’ll find yourself at the Cotopaxi Store, which has been serving Coloradans since 1928.  This landmark is where Fremont County Road 1-A originates.  A right turn there guarantees to shave off a good chunk of time compared with continuing east on Hwy 50 through Canyon City to I-25, and to me, it’s one of the most beautiful roads in the state.It’s best when viewed from the saddle of a two wheeler, but not bad even through a Toyota windshield.  Sue kept suggesting I climb up on the bike in the trailer and while she drove, I could pretend I was riding the Harley and have a great experience.  I declined this offer, having just seen the Dennis Quaid commercial where he does the same in a commuter car on a trailer.  But we snorted and laughed at the thought several times when it came up.  Watching the gorgeous red granite rocks jutting up out of the craggy landscape, I was reminded how much I love this drive.  As the mountains became foothills, which eventually turned to a verdant valley, I remembered to keep an eye out for mule deer and elk.  This time, we only saw a small doe or two as we traversed the 1-A shortcut to Colorado Highway 69.

Small ranches with lots of horses and cattle dotted the valley through this fertile farmland.  In the distance we saw what we first thought was another herd of cattle.  But as we approached, we could tell that these beasts were more substantial than the bovine variety.
 
We were eventually close enough to see that we were looking at a huge herd of buffalo scattered across this wide swath of grassland outside of Westcliffe, Colorado. There must’ve been four hundred head grazing their way northwest across the valley against the backdrop of fourteeners, known as the Sangre de Christo mountains. bet we clicked two dozen photos looking at the bulls, mamas, and babies trudging across the pasture just over the electric fence from where we stood.  If only these magnificent beasts could speak, I wonder what tales their species would tell about what they’d seen in the early days of this great country.  My heart felt full seeing the proliferation of a species that once was almost extinct in America.  Good news, my friends!  The American Buffalo is alive and well in Fremont County, Colorado on some guy’s sprawling ranch. 



As we pulled back onto Highway 69, headed east, we felt escorted by those majestic mountain peaks standing in the background, like sentries guarding the bison herd in the Wet Valley.  The Sangre de Christos separate Westcliffe from The Great Sand Dunes to the west.  They run down through the Saguache Valley, eventually pointing the way to Taos, and then Santa Fe, New Mexico on the other side.  That southernmost tip of the Rockies provides one of my favorite views in this grand state.  We had miles to go before we slept, so we kept on trucking toward the halfway point home, the Holiday Inn in Amarillo.  Continuing into Walsenburg, Colorado, which is just inside the border from New Mexico, we stopped for lunch at a bustling downtown cafĂ© serving piping hot brick oven pizza.  We settled on Caesar salads and grilled chicken, which were delicious.  But I kept wondering just how good that pizza was.  While circling downtown for this restaurant, we gawked at a dozen or more marijuana dispensaries within two city blocks.  Apparently, this formerly dried up little town had experienced a recent resurgence, due to their proximity to three states not legally obliged to serve the appetites of pot smokers inside their borders.  Walsenburg was the logical choice, and the purveyors of pot had descended upon it.  I can’t get over how many separate weed shops we saw.  It was like seeing casino after casino in Las Vegas.  Before we were tempted to “do a little gambling”, we gassed up and cruised over Raton Pass into New Mexico.  Not long after, we found ourselves in Texas, where the New Mexican roads disappear as a bumpy memory and we feel the asphalt smooth out and feel the speed limit rise to 75 miles per hour.  We were making good time as we rolled through Texline, Dalhart, and then Hartley, motorcycle trailer in tow.  The further we drove, the more we felt the temperature steadily rising toward the Texas summers we know so well.  Nonetheless,we were glad to be back on familiar soil.

Within a few minutes of feeling this happy familiarity, I noticed the handlebars on the Harley starting to shimmy and the trailer bouncing a little as we rolled into Channing, Texas, about 45 minutes north of Amarillo.  Not sure why we were experiencing this change in the rear view, we pulled off in the parking lot of the local Cowboy Church.  My quick roadside assessment revealed that our passenger side trailer tire had begun to delaminate.  That might sound technical, but suffice it to say that while it was miraculously still holding air, big chunks of the tread were gone and we had been rolling on a clunky combination of some tread and some steel belts protecting the air chamber up to this point.  We were face to face with the dreaded enemy of pneumatic tires: delamination - AKA tread separation.  You have probably seen - and perhaps run over - some chunks, slices, and slabs of truck tires on the interstate in your travels.  Those pesky road remnants are the result of exactly what I’m describing.  Not something you really want to learn about, much less experience.

Alas, we limped in to this little town called Channing, which except for the Cowboy Church, didn’t seem to have much going on.  We saw mostly failed oilfield pipe yards, dusty former farm fields, old falling down frame houses, and a few singlewides with tires on the roof.  It was right around then that I realized we were not carrying a spare tire for the trailer.  I mean, who thinks of things like that?  I told you I’ve been trucking my bikes in my truck bed all these years.  And that truck always has a solid spare underneath, but a trailer?  I guess an experienced trailer man would’ve thought of this.  As I stood there daydreaming of a matching spare, with the typical white spoke wagon wheel, bolted to the front of the trailer just behind the tongue, I found myself wondering why old single wides sometimes have old tires on their roofs?  (Rooves?  No, it’s got to be roofs.)  Somebody told me the weight of the tires help to hold the roof down during one of those pinpoint trailer park tornadoes.  OK, that makes sense.  I must say that in that moment, I found myself scanning those corrugated metal tops, as I needed a 13 inch trailer tire and even those roof dwellers were in my search criteria.  The custodian at the church was friendly and wanted to help, but said “everybody’s out of town” and couldn’t think of anyone who had a tire, much less a shop that could assist.  It was 15 miles back to the bigger hamlet of Hartley, and twice that far back to bustling Dalhart, and it was getting late on Saturday night.  It occurred to me I could unhook, park the trailer behind the church, sort out a new tire on Sunday in Amarillo, and return that next day to claim my trailered up Harley and head down the road to Austin.  But that process would’ve added a half day to an already all day drive on Sunday.  So, I filed that idea away and decided to walk around for a bit on the dusty vacant lot where we had parked.

Sue was in the truck with the AC blasting, wondering who knows what, and I was kicking dust and thinking.  I took a lap around an old corrugated metal building that looked like it was abandoned during the last Channing oil boom.  All locked up, I wanted to look inside for that black rubber donut I coveted, but instead settled for scanning the perimeter.  I spied an old boat trailer in the lot next door, but all four tires were flat.  What are the odds – all four tires flat?  But staring at that trailer, it occurred to me that in little redneck Texas towns, every old dude has some kind of trailer to tote his tractor, four wheeler, boat, or farm implement, and it’s usually parked behind his barn.  And one of them just might be able to solve this conundrum with an extra tire that matched our search criteria.  So, I jumped back in the Tacoma and slowly pulled across the highway to a little collection of frame houses and doublewides with dirt streets.  Sue caught on quickly and started calling out, “there’s one...and another...and there’s one that looks like ours!”  Of course, we would never think of stealing anything, so we knew we’d have to knock on a stranger’s door to have any chance of a solution.  So knock I did.  One door, two doors, I knocked with no answer.  I can only imagine what our little entourage looked like to these normal everyday small town folks.  “I ain’t answering that door...he looks like one of them city slickers, and I ain’t fooled by that pearl snap western shirt he’s wearin’!  Besides, I’m in the middle of Matlock and it’s gettin’ to the good part!”

I kept circling the two or three dirt streets between a half dozen houses, scanning for the perfect tire.  Voila!  I spotted a crooked pile of dusty old tires and wheels off the bow of an old bass boat that had a faded For Sale sign on it.  I could see what looked like one or two thirteen inch wheels in the bunch.  So, once I identified which house I believed went with that pile o’ tires, I let myself in the chain link fence and strode up the concrete walk in my best flip flops to the front door of this sort of well broken-in Channing residence.  After my second firm knock on the door, holding the screen door open, an old guy appeared at the door.  Sock footed, he stood there in his Wranglers, looking at me with a half pack of cigarettes weighing down the breast pocket of his plaid western shirt with the tail half in and half out.  I sensed he was sizing me up through the screen door as I spouted off our tale of woe and our need for something he just might have.  I could hear the TV in the background and I sensed I was interrupting his Saturday night show.  But he listened with marginal interest.  I guess I was talking fast, so he asked me to repeat myself a time or two: “Now where are you guys coming from?  And where are you going?  And what’s wrong with your trailer?”  So I repeated the story of our plight and he seemed remotely tuned in to what I was saying.  I told him I was in a bind and had spotted his old pile o’ tires, wondering if one of them might be a five hole thirteen inch wheel with a tire that would work for us.  He said, “Well, go have a look and see what’s out there and I’ll get my shoes.”  I trotted over to the tires, which were in front of the boat and next to the stable with two beautiful horses standing guard.
 
His name was Ralph Stewart and he was a nice old guy with a simple, but tidy place and two or three working vehicles under his carport.  As I approached the tires, I could see a couple that were possible fits.  But it appeared they’d been out there a long time.  By then I saw Ralph coming around from the back and I heard him say something but couldn’t make it out.  I hollered back that I saw two that were thirteens, but only one that was holding air.  I rolled it over to his dusty shop, scanning for his air compressor.  I found the large red Craftsman hiding under four or five layers of North Texas dirt.  You see, I happen to know that all country boys have a compressor in their shop – heck, half of their gear around the place has pneumatic tires, so you can easily see why.  He came over and plugged in a hundred foot cord from the house, mumbling something about a blown fuse panel out in the shop.  That cord looked like it had lain there for ten years.  But it worked like a charm and that loud compressor fired up.  On one knee, I pushed that inflator onto the valve stem and once I managed to blow the spider webs and dust off it, I saw it begin to inflate.  When I got to 35 pounds of air, I rolled it over to the trailer, which was parked around front.  It was picking up stickers the whole way.  Three or four of them were trying to stick me good, but I fought them off with a combination of thumping and slinging.  Those weren’t my first sticker burrs.  I grew up in Conroe where you size up a grassy front yard every time you take a summer stroll across one, or else you pay the price.  About the time I realized the old tire was a perfect match and let out a little “yahoo!”, Ralph rounded the chain link fence and joined the celebration.  He mumbled that he had not been able to find his floor jack, which would’ve made this process easier for sure.  After unloading the back seat of the truck, I found my little Toyota bottle jack under the seat and began pulling the other tools out as well.  Ralph handed me a length of two by six to put under the jack as I walked over and knelt in the dirt in front of the bad tire.  I didn’t mind that dusty little road in front of his house one bit, even though it was sticking to my sweat making me one muddy dude.  I got it jacked up, took off the bad wheel and tire, and replaced it with Ralph’s old boat trailer tire and wheel.  That sucker fit like a glove, which both surprised and delighted me and Ralph.  I dug around in my pocket with greasy hands and pulled out twenty five bucks and offered it to him.  He accepted with a handshake, we exchanged pleasantries, and after Sue had bid goodbye to the two beautiful horses behind Ralph’s place, we loaded up and waved as we drove away.  I found myself a little hot and dirty, but my spirits were soaring that we had found a solution to a fairly specific and difficult problem - just by pushing through some discomfort and fear around meeting some strangers and asking for help.  So as we turned back out onto the little two lane highway, we realized we were back on the road to Amarillo.  High five!  We were looking at 45 minutes to our waiting hotel reservation.  All was back right in our world.

I could see Sue exhale, showing me for the first time that she had been a little worried.  She’s such a great lady – always ready to face and deal with a challenge – and sometimes it sort of glosses over the reality that she might be feeling a bit insecure about our situation in a given moment such as this one.  I mean, I realize that being stranded in what feels like the middle of nowhere causes humans to feel unsettled, perhaps unsafe, and if I’m honest I have to say that for me, there was a moment where I felt pretty rattled too.  But I’ve noticed that my dude genes kick in and I move into problem solving mode before I get too distraught.  And after a few of these adrenaline releasing experiences, I’ve found that old collection of problem solving moments actually helps to overcome about some of these long held fears, old ideas, and negative beliefs.  I felt a sense of satisfaction as we tooled on down that bumpy little country road.

It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes of bliss...when we both started to hear a funny noise over The Police’s Zenyatta Mondatta album thumping from the pair of ten inch subs behind the back seat of the Tacoma.  I clicked the mute button on the steering wheel to listen for the odd sound.  It was a high pitched whine, not to be confused with the melodic and stylish tenor of Sting's silky smooth voice, and I saw the Harley start to quiver a little across her handlebars in the trailer.  About that time, Sue informed me that she saw what she thought was smoke coming up from the back of the trailer near the right side tire we had just put on 15 minutes before in front of Ralph's place.  Still incredulous, I slowed way down and tried to pull over as I proclaimed that there was no shoulder on this “hick ass country highway".  I was feeling stressed out again as I could see impatient drivers gaining on me in the rear view mirror.  So, with no better solution in sight, I moved over to the right, dragging the trailer thru the 3ft tall weeds for a few hundred yards, finally pulling off in the shoulder-less thicket.  Dreading what I was sure to find back there at the trailer, I made my way around the front of the truck to the passenger side.  The flashing glow of the red hazards against the tall weeds lighted the way as I goosestepped past the hitch to the right rear wheel in my flip flops.  By then, Sue and I were both standing at the site of the former trailer tire we’d bought off ol’ Ralph back in Channing, staring in disbelief at the complete absence of a tire and realizing we had been rolling on a 13" steel rim without any tire left on it.  About that time, the four Amarillo bound trucks that had stacked up behind me aggressively blew by us, damn near clipping the back of the trailer - no doubt Saturday night revelers headed into the big city for some drinkin' and two steppin’ at the local dance hall.  That was a sand blasting close call we could've both done without. 
Look ma!  No rubber here.
Rolling directly on a rim was a new experience for me.  Nevermind that's the fastest I’ve seen 25 bucks go up in smoke since my brief visit to those two dollar Black Jack tables in Vegas last time. 

After a moment of pure frustration, bordering on resignation and despair, I took our old failing tire - which miraculously was still holding air -  bolted it back on, and proceeded to limp down the road toward Amarillo.  By now it was dark out and we were crawling along at 25mph, hoping we didn't get rear ended by a Saturday night meth head on the way to his dealer.  Somehow, by the grace of God, we rolled into the Holiday Inn on our original tire with the half - separated tread, but still holding a little air.  Thank God we got a decent night's sleep on the brand new bed in the brand new hotel Sue had booked earlier.

You gotta love those little serendipities that come along in the middle of otherwise messed up circumstances.  Sue thought ahead to book a room at the brand spankin’ new Holiday Inn we passed while leaving the parking lot of our ratty hotel in Amarillo a week before on our way up.  For about ten bucks more, we were going to lay our weary heads on pillow perfection, wrapped in sparkling crisp white sheets at the brand newest hotel in town.  Way to go, Sue!  After some online searching for tire shops open Sunday, I found we had 3 options.  The next morning, the first two options fizzed out like a flat Coke, but lucky for us, good 'ol Walmart came thru in the clutch.  Turns out they carry the pre-mounted wheel and tire that fit this trailer exactly.  Sue recommended I buy two tires while I was there, which was quite a safe and thoughtful idea, but when Shirley rang it up at $120 apiece, I balked and purchased only one to replace the bad tire on the passenger side.  I bounded out of the Walmart totin' the sweet rubber booty on my shoulder and shot back over to the hotel with newfound zeal and anticipation of hittin' the road to Austin.  While it was still crisp and cool - as it is on most Amarillo summer mornings - I installed the new wheel and tire on the bleached perfection of Holiday Inn's brand new concrete parking lot.  Between sips of delicious steaming hot hotel coffee from my Yeti, I swapped out that shredded spare for the fresh-off-the-shelf Walmart replacement.  When all five lug nuts were snug, I took my greasy hands inside and showered up.  Freshly clean and with our overnight bags packed, I hitched the trailer back up, and off we went on the eight hour journey back to the ATX, with our new tire and wheel performing like a champ.
There is something satisfying about solving one's presenting problem successfully and then continuing life’s journey. Even when it's just a tire and wheel on a road trip to Colorado and back.  Sue and I exchanged a pleasant smile, acknowledging our good fortune, and she picked out some tunes and cued up Spotify.  Life was good...again.  I'm guessing we had traveled about three miles in this zen-like state, when both of us suddenly sat bolt upright, simultaneously viewing the side-mirrors after hearing a now familiar popping, slapping sound, only this time emanating from the driver's side where the remaining original trailer tire rolled.  In a matter of seconds, the popping and slapping completely drowned out the music and I began to see rubber chunks bouncing and flying into the air behind us. With our new found knowledge of trailer tires and their propensity for failure - we both knew what was happening.  Almost unbelievably, we were at failure number three, and what's worse?  I could hear the lovely lilt of Sue's sweet voice wafting through my recent memory saying, "Hey...why don't you just get two?"  Ugh.  I pulled off onto the shoulder and discovered that our instincts were right on - the remaining original tire had completely disintegrated, looking like what you'd see on the wheel of the losing driver from the original Mad Max movie after having faced off with Mel Gibson’s character.  We. Were. Done. Again.

There's this moment that comes after the 2nd and 3rd, may be 4th good punch, when a fighter wonders if he might be getting ready to go down.   Sometimes I see that fighter gather himself and come back with a flurry, letting his opponent know that this is NOT his knockout moment.  Other times, that wobble is a signal that the end is near.  A friend of mine told me that Mike Tyson once said, “everybody’s got a plan ‘til they get punched in the mouth.”  I don't mean to be dramatic, but for a moment when I was looking at that shredded tire,  I was feeling like I’d been punched right in the kisser.  I wobbled for a minute, but somehow, I sort of gave myself that quick talkin’ to, like the fighter always gets from the corner man while he’s dabbin’ the eyebrow with that fat stick thing and smearing Vaseline across the cheekbones.   And I guess it worked, because I got up, shook my head, and reentered the fray.

Having just inventoried the trailer tire section at our trusty Walmart, I knew instantly that they had what we needed - for a mere $120.  So, in spite of the risk in leaving my prized Harley on an Amarillo highway unattended, I unhitched the trailer on the shoulder of Loop 335, clamped down the tongue lock, and headed for Walmart.  Katie was holding the tire for me when I got there.   She rang it up and I threw down the credit card.  This was the third time I’d paid someone for a trailer tire in the last twenty four hours, and that trailer only had two wheels!  Sue was waiting in the Tacoma as I exited the Walmart out the back door of the Tire and Auto Center.  I dribbled the tire up-and-down on the parking lot a couple of times on the way to the truck as if to show my girlfriend that, even in the face of this adversity, I somehow still had it.  I'll skip the part about the unmarked detour on the way back to the stranded trailer. Damn Amarillo detour sign makers.  Eventually, we were back on Loop 335 headed west when I spotted the abandoned Harley.  We eased up behind the trailer we had left half on half off the paved asphalt shoulder.   Call it learning from my experience, or pure pessimism, but I had left all the tire changing tools in the bed of the trailer for easy access instead of unloading the back seat and reinstalling them inside.  So setting my tools out this time was quicker and easier, which was fortunate, since by then, that crisp cool morning had given way to the ninety degree noon sun.

It crossed my mind that I had expressed a happy little thank you prayer after our experience with Ralph and The Lucky Trailer Tire (prior to the impending tire failure, of course)
So for the second time in about twelve hours, I asked myself the question, "was the Good Lord that I had decided was ‘really good’ just outside Channing… still good?"  Whether I like it or not, this always crosses my mind when used boat trailer tires disintegrate into the atmosphere while towing my 700 lb Harley Davidson.  I decided I’d just have to settle that theological conundrum at a later time, when I wasn’t trying to break loose the lug nuts that I, myself, had torqued well beyond recommended spec, lest they loosen and eject the wheel.  So I shelved that thought for the moment.

The roaring semis sandblasted my sweaty, shirtless body as I cranked up the little Toyota bottle jack for the fourth time in less than a day.  Vague stories, perhaps urban legends, plowed through my mind as I lay under the trailer on the heated asphalt.  I’d heard of guys like me getting cut in half by a swerving texter while changing a tire on the highway.  But I couldn’t concentrate with such worrisome thoughts.  So, I blocked ‘em out and managed to remove the shredded original driver’s side tire and wheel and replaced it with the brand new Walmart model in record time.  I was definitely breaking a sweat, but it wasn’t burning my eyes and drenching my shorts this time.  When I secured our load, double checked everything, and jumped back in the cab, Sue handed me two baby wipes.  The dirt and grime destroyed the first two wipes and we pulled away as I worked over two more.  We were on our way at just after 12:30 pm, with a projected ETA of 8:30 pm in Austin.  Yes, we were considerably behind schedule, but we were safe, back on the road, and not too much worse for wear.  We even had a few laughs about Sue’s smoking trailer comments the night before.

This is a great place for me to make a final point.  If you’re going to go to the trouble to have a girlfriend, find one who doesn’t take herself too seriously.  I don’t know if I chose differently this time, or just got lucky.  But when we’re driving together and find myself out of sorts and beginning to coach the Austin drivers who clearly DO NOT understand the purpose of traffic flow, she just laughs.  She doesn’t shame me for being a guy that people look to for help or wisdom at times, and that “should know better than to act that way”.  She just laughs.  And eventually, I laugh.  Then we both laugh and before I know it, whatever that burr under my saddle was – it has disappeared and we have moved on to greener pastures.  Sue simply refuses to ‘should’ on me.  Ever.  And it has made me much happier and much more fun to be around, no matter the circumstances.  Some of you have heard this but I’ll tell it once more. 
I swiped right on Tinder because her profile said, “My drug of choice is caffeine, and I must confess a mild obsession with brisket.”  On top of her great sense of humor, she was smart, beautiful, and I was hooked.  We met – for coffee, of course, which is also MY drug of choice – and the rest is history, mostly funny history.  I’m lucky we’ve been together for over two years now.   So when you find yourself choosing a partner – one with whom you’re likely to travel the roads of this life – man, find somebody who makes you laugh, and someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.  In my opinion, this is where the rubber meets the road.  And then, sit back, and enjoy the ride.






Friday, August 12, 2016

Where is God when LIFE sucks? Or maybe this isn't the whole picture.

Its been SIX YEARS since I got that midnight phone call on August 12, 2010.  The silence and my restful slumber was slapped in the face with the words, "EMS just transported your little brother to the ER in Colorado Springs, and they tried to revive him on the way, but he's very grave...and if he's not already gone, he's not expected to live through this.  They think it was probably a brain aneurysm."  My knees were too weak to stand and I collapsed next to my bed, assuming the prayer position purely by accident, but when I saw I was in that familiar spot, found myself thinking, "what's the use?"  One more time, God has abandoned me, and my family, right when we needed Him!  What else can regular human people like us come up with in that moment.  Any kind of "God talk" whereby I might "say the right thing" or feign some kind of acceptance would be wholly disingenious and, in my opinion, while still welcomed by the God I have come to know today, it isn't the choice of behavior that serves me best in this moment.  So, yes, that one hurt BAD, and in some ways, I've learned in six years that you never completely get over a loss like that.  For God's sake, I named this baby brother when I was 10 years old out of my anxious anticipation of his arrival!  Why they let me, I'll never know.  But now he's GONE and every time I think of a reason to call him, he's not there. There will be a vacuous hole in my family as long as we are on the Earth without our Bart here with us, making us laugh, raising his three boys, loving his Suzi, and showing us the way our God showed us to walk this Earth.  That is human and only a love that deep and wide could stretch our hearts to contain such grief.  




I could go on with more grief and pain, but I think, no I KNOW you understand.  You've told me over and over and I thank you vociferously from the bottom of this big brother's heart. But I must share with you something I heard from a good friend on top of a mountain in Colorado about a month ago. He said (after losing three friends to Cancer in a matter of  months);

"So, I had a choice about how to view this, even though I didn't have a choice about how I felt in that moment.  I said to myself, if THIS is how God is, then God isn't the kind of God I want in my life!" In fact, I think he said "He sucks!"  And then he paused for a moment.  Then he said something that landed in my heart with a bittersweet thud:
"Either God sucks or THIS ISN'T THE WHOLE PICTURE." 
Whaaaaaa???  I had one of those palm to forehead moments. WHAM!) What. If. This. Isn't. The.Whole. Picture?  I repeated to myself several times.  I don't know what else he said, but that was a bell ringer for me.  Of COURSE this isn't the whole picture.  We've proclaimed for a lifetime that "we don't grieve as those who have no hope",  but have I believed it?  Have I practiced it in my heart of hearts?  Do I really let the Spirit communicate that to me by slowing down enough, and listening for that still, small voice, letting go of my old ideas enough, or let my ego be smashed enough to be totally vulnerable and teachable?!!  Am I learning, as Veronica A. Shofstall entreats, "to accept my defeats with my head held high with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child?" I've missed His voice.  Yeah, Bart's too, but I mean His still, small voice.  I'm afraid I have modeled for many of you this picture of a guy who SAYS he believes in an afterlife, who subscribes to the truth that THIS world isn't all there is.  But when I have grieved a loss, haven't I instead accepted a watered down version that says, "Yes, I'll get to that kind of strength and courage someday, but for today, the world I live in gives me the RIGHT to believe and practice anything I want because "I'm GRIEVING!"  Yes, it is human.  Yes, I have cried a bucket of tears since losing my little brother and some of those other losses I mentioned.  But what about the faith part where I model this belief that "THIS ISN'T THE WHOLE PICTURE!"  Maybe it just 'takes what it takes', as we say often in recovery when one of us is beating himself up for how long it took him to see the light and find recovery.  I hope you'll forgive me for the times I have forgotten who I am...or Whose I am...and instead, have acted out of human selfishness and simply taken the "free pass" of acting out any way I want "because people give me that pass in our culture".  And so instead of leading people into a SPIRITUAL version of "Loss and Grief" that highlights the reality that 'this isn't the whole picture", I fall back on the caveat...one more time.   What if?  What if we received death in the way the Tibetans teach us - moving more swiftly to willingness and acceptance?  What if we learned to accept it with our head held high - even through our tears - with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child?

What if?



Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Hang Up The Phone, Will Ya?!

August 12, 2010.  That’s the night I got the phone call.  I had been on the phone with my brother, Bart, until around 10:30pm talking with him and my oldest sister, Donna.  We were trying to wrap up the call – or rather I was trying to wrap up the call with my cell phone pinched between my shoulder and my ear and my hands elbow deep in the hot tub trying to reach the thermometer which had submerged again.  I was basically doing chores while talking on the phone – anybody relate to that?  I walk around a lot and do other stuff while I’m talking.  I’m sure you are aware on the other end of the line when I’m hammering away on a Harley part in the garage during our conversation, hoping that reshaping this metal flange will make it fit back on my bike.  But I digress.  That night, Donna, Bart, and I were working on the strategy for taking care of our precious elderly mother who had Parkinson’s - which was advancing rapidly and taking her away from us.  So, as we wrapped up our conversation on this important topic, I announced I was hanging up...but that I couldn’t touch the buttons since my hands were wet.  So I told them goodbye and asked them to hangup to clear the line (since I couldn’t push the button myself)  Well, of course, Bart thought this was funny, so he dragged it out a bit.  So, I asked Donna to hang up, we told each other we loved each other, and click!  Donna was gone.  Well, I thought they were both gone until I heard a faint voice on the other end.  It was Bart...and he was refusing to hang up – I’m sure because he knew it was inconveniencing me just a little bit.  I told him goodbye and asked him to hang up.  He said, no you hang up, to
which I replied again...”I CAN’T hang up...I’ve got my hands all wet!”  He said, “well then you’re in a predicament there, aren’t you?”  Then he said something really odd.  He said,  “I’m not hanging up ‘til you tell me you love me.”  Well, we weren’t averse to such platitudes I suppose, but it wasn’t our brotherly custom, that’s for sure.  So, I said, “Dude.  You already know that...I’m not gonna say that just to get off the phone.”  He persisted.  So, after a bit more argument from me, but left with no choice, I said, “OK...you’re gay, but I love you anyway.”  We both had a laugh and then he said, “Well, OK then.  I love you, too.”  Then we hung up.  I had no idea how important that little exchange would become to me.

That same phone rang again just after midnight and it was my brother-in-law Brian, letting me know that Bart was gone.  A brain aneurysm burst in the back of his brain and he was gone almost instantly.  I have thought about that phone conversation many times over the last four years since his death.  And I have come to cherish those last words we said to each other – words which we said quite frequently, but usually only when we were leaving town after a visit.  But that night, he persisted in asking to hear the words and I often wonder if he had some kind of premonition that night.  Like he knew something was coming and wanted to make sure that I got the closure I needed.  Who knows?  What I do know is that rarely a day goes by when Bart doesn’t cross my mind.  Sometimes I’m just filling up a Diet Coke at the convenience store and remembering what an expert he was at soda fountains and the Diet Coke mixture and which store had the best syrup and finest customer accommodation in their soda department.  (It was a chain in Dallas/FW called Q something?)  Anyway, my point is, it can be in the purely mundane that I remember Bart and get to stop for a moment and remember something that made me laugh, or made me cry.  And sometimes, I’ll stand there right in front of the Diet Coke fountain and wish he were there to explain the mixture to me one more time.  Funny, I lost some weight two years ago and now I actually drink a little Diet Coke – which I would NEVER drink with him! (Always chose a 600 calorie Dr.Pepper instead).  I guess I hafta thank him for showing me how to drink the lower calorie option – even though back then, I thought it tasted like crap.  LOL.

You know, letting go of your brother is not an easy road.  But you get through it.  I spent a week or so in the mountains recently (hence the photo with Bart’s boys, my nephews at the Harley shop in Colorado Springs), and got to have a meal and some time with ‘my boys’.  That helps.  Talking to Suzi – seeing her life flourish and grow again with her marriage to Colm and Liam (his son) – and hearing how she has grieved and grown from the loss encourages me.  And it’s not that they’ve “moved on”...it’s like they’ve learned to INTEGRATE ALL of the memories into their lives and move forward.  Bart is always in the conversation.  We are unapologetic in talking about the boys’ Dad around them.  He will never be forgotten.  I see SO much of him in those boys as they mature and grow.  Gabe sounds like Bart when he prays.  It’s awesome.  Luke and Nate are right behind him with pure, sweet hearts and that same passion he had.  All good athletes - big surprise.  LOL. 
So, lately, I’ve had an interesting recurring thought:  As I see Life happen around me – my friend Scott being diagnosed with Stage IV Leukemia out of the blue last week for example – and watch my reactions to how fragile this human life truly is, I have begun to ponder a new thought.  What if that were me?  What if the news about having a short time to live came to me?  And while in the past, that thought has come and gone innumerable times, I have to acknowledge I’ve always had some fear around it.  It has always scared me to some extent to think of my own death.  I don’t know why.  It was never very defined...and it wasn’t like a developed thought, as much as just a feeling that sort of passed through me.  Well lately, it’s passed through me a few times and I have had a new thought.  “Hey!  I have something to ask Bart – I’ll just ask him when I see him again!”  Like when we lived in different towns, I know I’d see him soon and save something for that reunion.  Then I think of my Dad with his unshaven face and bad breath kissing me on the cheek every time I left Fort Worth – and I realize, “Hey!  I’ll get to see Dad!”  And even Mom...telling me to “be Christian!” every time I left the house...sounds good to me.  I’m not sure when this happens to humans, at what age we begin to think about who’s waiting on the other side.  But I’m finding myself thinking about it.  No, it’s not keeping me from living life with the same passion you’ve come to know in me.  In fact, I think it makes me even MORE passionate about this life....realizing that there is truly NOTHING TO FEAR in the coming world.  I don’t mean to sound trite, but I’m remembering a little plaque I used to see somewhere that said, “There’s no reason to fear tomorrow, for my God is already there.”  And my little brother, and my Mom and Dad, and my tiny, infant brother I never got to meet, and Corbo and Abby Grace, and Maw Maw, and my two Grand Dads I never got to know...and Granny, and Bryan and my uncles and aunts and HOLY COW!  That’s gonna be a heck of a reunion, you know?  And I, for one, am WAY lookin’ forward to it.


Love you, little brother, and miss you every day.  Thanks for the inspiration your life gives me – every time I hit the soda fountain, or hear a line from Fletch, or see one of your homeboys like Eric, or Kyle, or Ty.  We will see you again...and not one of us knows when that will be.   But I look forward to it...so save me a Diet Coke!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Ever had your heart stomped on???

Have you ever been rejected?  I'm talking slam dunk face plant, knock yo' teefs out, dumperooski, kicked to the curb, BAM!  If you have, then you immediately know what I'm talking about.  If not, then you're probably not in the least drawn to this question.  If that's you (The NBR person), go get yourself a pedicure at one of those nice places run by the Vietnamese ladies that are SO good at what they do...or go to The Arbor Car Wash and let those guys detail your truck - and let that lady behind the lattice work half wall in the corner of the waiting area wring you out in that massage chair for 15 minutes. You'll be glad you did.  The rest of ya...let's get down and dirty for a minute, whaddya say?

So, if you're one of the BR's, (been rejecteds) then I don't need to 'splain nuthin' to you.  You know about that feelin' in your gut as you're desperately tryin' to fall asleep so you can possibly dream about something happy...or that same feelin' as you're just wakin' up, when you realize that this reality you've been living in for a couple of weeks is NOT a dream.  It's what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  It's your heart breaking and the stuff inside leaking out the corners of your eyes.  *dab, dab*  And you know by now that that leaking problem isn't at ALL convenient.  It completely has a life of its own.  It's called GRIEF, and it happens whenever and whereever it wants, including at work! (shut door, pull framed pictures that used to stand on your desk out of drawer and stare at them for a minute, sob for a few more, try to figure out WHY again for another ten minutes, give up on that exercise in futility, realize you're a sloppy mess now, reach in same desk and try to find a Kleenex, give up and use your t-shirt tail, then take the incoming call from the lady who wants to know if her loan is closing Tuesday or not...while trying to sound normal, as she asks if you're having the same allergies as everyone else she knows)  Hang up from that interruption call and sit there in that dull silence for a couple more minutes, then get up and go walk around the office campus, trying not to make eye contact with those people who water the building plants, and at ALL cost avoid that guy who always asks what the interest rates are lookin' like - even if you're standing at the urinal taking care of bidness.

Yeah, it's inconvenient alright.  But I gotta tell ya...I'm afraid it's just a normal part of the process.  Spontaneous and unpredictable, yes, but quite necessary.  I know some of you are like me, and you grew up in a family that just walked AROUND the elephant in the living room.  I mean, why awaken a sleeping GIANT, when you can just walk around it and leave it undisturbed?  If you bring it up to just about anybody in the family system, it's gonna lead to a FAMILY MEETING, and you learned to avoid THOSE like the plague.  But when you get to be a grownup, you've learned the hard way that putting things off that need to be "felt and dealt" with only compounds the problem later, right?!  I can always hear that oil change commercial with the mechanic saying, "Hey, you can pay me NOW, or pay me LATER.  It's up to you!"  Man, I found out paying LATER isn't worth it.  After a few 'rejections', I can tell you you're better off to feel that stuff NOW and get it over with...otherwise, you'll do something even dumber like go get in another relationship, thereby avoiding the feeling that's just sittin' there in the cue...and leave a huge dogpile just sittin' there stinkin', waitin' for you to sift thru it and deal with those feelings later...after having dragged another hapless human into your pile of stink...and that ain't very nice for them...or you for that matter.  So, take my advice ('cuz, hell, I ain't usin' it!)  : )  and just let it be inconvenient, kick the door shut, go for a drive, better yet - take a vacation by yourself, turn back the throttle on the Harley for an afternoon, or sit through a good "people/drama movie" with one of those car-packs of Kleenex and live vicariously through the characters. (especially the ones feeling rejection).  That'll lighten your load little by little and help you see the new life you've got comin' thru a new pair of glasses that actually will show you some hope, if you're lucky.  Not all at once, but after a few of these episodes, you'll start to feel the effects of letting go (even if it's just a little bit) and trusting some kind of Higher Power that is involved in all of this somehow.  If you need to blame the HP a little, that's OK too.  He/She/It is powerful enough and graceful enough to let us do just about whatever we need to do to get through this.  That's one of the real serendipities for me. Learning that HP isn't sittin' back just waitin' to squash me like so many bug guts on the windshield for not performing perfectly.  I think I've actually come to believe that I can take all the time I like, cry, blame, cuss, throw some sh*t, try to figger it out some more, ask why over and over, blame again, shame, bargain, scheme, cook up some great manipulation strategies to get her back, and eventually exhaust my human strength because it always runs out;  then...let GO!!!  (...for today.)  

And tomorrow, I can start this all over at about the same spot...or I can recognize I've made progress and let that motivate me to have a little better day.  And somehow, over the long haul, I find myself having let go a little at a time, and begin to notice that I've moved...even if it's only baby steps.  And that's a good thing.  I can eat an elephant...and y'all taught me to do it...just ONE bite at at time!  Oh, yeah...couple more quick tips:  
  • Take it easy on yourself - stop scoring your performance so harshly during this time.  This letting go is hard work...be gentle with yourself and do nice things for yourself.  If you're like me, you've lost a chunk of yourself in this relationship over time and you need to get it back.  So, be good to yourself - you deserve it - and you'll keep finding lost pieces and enjoy putting them back in place!  
  • Look up that friend you've lost touch with since you got all bogged down into the mire of the relationship.  They'll be so glad to hear from you - and they may just have a story or two from the experience that you've missed with them that will help you sort this out.  
  • Pray for HP to send you the people you're supposed to cross paths with right now.  Then, don't forget to watch for those people coming in droves.  It will blow you away WHO it is...and how perfectly they fit the need you have in that moment.  God is just like that in my experience.
  • Try to remember what you used to do for FUN!  One time I was in a process group after a particularly low spot in my life, and they MADE me get back on my motocross bike and start riding again.  This entailed pulling a motor, major bike rebuild, and gettin' back in shape...but I had the most fun hittin' the trails that summer that I have in a LONG time.  Get back to doin' the FUN stuff you love.  That's gonna help you rebuild what you've lost while stuck underground in this dysfunctional funk you've been in.
  • Practice ACCEPTANCE with some grace.  Some days, the best you're gonna be able to do is to say, "Today, I'm reluctant to accept."  Better yet, "Today I JUST DO NOT FREAKIN' ACCEPT THIS SITUATION!  IT AIN'T RIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE IT, AND IT AIN'T FAIR!" My friend Melody Beattie says that you've done your Acceptance work for the day - even if all you can muster is to say the above. There will be better days ahead, but don't beat yourself up if acceptance comes along slowly.  That's just how Life is sometimes.
  • Lastly, get yo' body lookin' GOOD, girl!  There's no better time to rebuild your self esteem than after gettin' dumped, and it has a fantastic payoff!  Trust me, I KNOW this...and I'm doin' it right NOW!  Have I told y'all lately what a GOOD lookin' man I am?!!!  :^ )
Well, that's a longer talk than I thought we were gonna have just now.  But I guess I needed to hear it.  I hope it helps you, too.  I know I keep saying this over and over, but I AM the luckiest man in the world to have friends like y'all!  I'm gettin' thru it because y'all R O C K...and that's all there is to it!  I will see y'all around this week.  I'll be the deadly handsome buff dude with the good lookin' blond hair.  Yeah, that's right...I will be the one who comes out a winner on THIS deal!  Much love and peace, y'all!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Happy Birthday to ME???

Well, it's that time of year once again...that allusive, mysterious beginning to summer when I get to celebrate my BIRTH day.  Wow.  The day I popped out into Montgomery County Hospital down in the Piney Woods of Conroe, Texas.  Pardon me if I'm a little underwhelmed.  Boy, that's not a good sign, is it?  I sound jaded...or cynical, or both, huh?  Funny, I'm usually pretty happy about this day. I remember lots of good ones on June 11th over the years.  My family never let one slip by without making a big deal about it...even tho' it would sometimes get combined into a "June birthdays" conglomerate celebration with a few other friends and family.  That didn't matter...I've just always known my day was special and that a few people I loved would always remember it.  But this year, my special day lands at a particularly tumultuous time on the planet for me.  You see, I buried my little brother Summer before last and my Mom followed him into the Afterlife six months to the day later.  So, if you're keepin' score; my folks are both gone now...my best friend and brother is gone, and I found out last week that my marriage of eight years is ending, too.  Yep, twelve years together and she says she's tired of working on trying to be married to me. Trouble is, I see her point.  I'm certain I'm not the least complicated heterosexual male in this zip code.  Nobody's fault really...we've both tried our butts off to settle our differences and let love win out.  But somehow it just hasn't worked - for either one of us.  (Just ask the four or five therapists and support groups we've tried.)  She's right that it's been all work and no play for a few years now..and there's something that's just not right about that, you know?  A marriage partnership needs to be easy and fun sometimes - maybe most of the time?  So how can I fault her when she says it's easier to just move on?   Sounds better on paper than played out in real life.  I'm just not very good at letting go when I really love someone.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be.  


Seriously, folks, I don't wanna freak anybody out here...but a guy starts to wonder how much loss he can take, you know?  And in case you don't know me, I'm really a good guy with an otherwise pretty rosy outlook most days...don't you think?!!  No, REALLY.  Hey!  Somebody out there VOUCH for me, will ya?!!  No, I can hear y'all now, tryin' to cheer me up...remind me how good I have it compared to the other guy who's never even had a serious relationship - and you know me, I'll tell you I'm grateful, learning, walking, gettin' thru it...all the while wondering in the back of my mind whether the coming year of life on this little blue ball is going to make me bitter or make me better.  I mean...what else is there to lose?  Man, don't even go there - 'cuz if you get me started again...I'll hafta tell you about how I used to be a great singer, but then I lost that, too.  Damn.  It does add up.  But it wouldn't be the whole truth if I left out the part where that failed neck surgery/ lost voice deal came with a silver lining.  Huh?  Whaddya mean?  Well, that silver lining's name is TJ and it's a pretty cool story.  In the Year of the Paralyzed Vocal Cord, I met up with an eleven year old who rocked my world.  Just when I thought I would spiral down into oblivion, he ordered a second Frito Pie at Sonic on our first outing and brought a smile to my face I haven't been able to wipe off since.  Remind me to tell ya about the time we were both standing on the South Rim of The Grand Canyon in stunned silence when out of nowhere, he posed the question of the year;  "Is this where the World started crackin'???"  "Uh, yes, I believe it IS!" I retorted as I spit Dr. Pepper up my nose from laughing so hard.  Yep, he's brought an indescribable joy to my world more times than I can count since then.  And here he is again buzzin' my Android at 1am with his annual, "Hey Pops!  Happy Birthday.  Have a great one!" 


So, I guess I have a choice here, don't I?  I can slide down that slippery slope into morbid reflection about all that I've lost along this journey.  Or, as was the practice of a young shepherd boy turned King of Israel, I can make a gratitude list one more time.  And by doing so, I give myself a fighting chance to avoid the personal jail cell of regret, shame, and resentment.  Instead of drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die, I can step up and take responsibility for my choices that have brought me here and by employing the magic of gratitude and acceptance, I can wake up Monday morning, June 11th to a new world.  One in which I remember that the Creator of the Universe thought SO much about little ol' me that He fanned back into flame that simple, yet profound little ember called gratitude, and once again lit the candle of Hope in my heart.  I remember a phrase my little brother used with me a few times in his last year here.  He would say, "Hey Bro...you smell like smoke."  It took me a couple of times to understand what he meant until one day he explained, "you've walked through the fire in your life, man...divorce, personal failure, loss...you've been through some stuff, big brother!  But you've perservered...you've walked through the flames and come out the other side stronger."  And so "you smell like smoke" turned out to be a compliment.  Bart honored me by recognizing my willingness to keep walking, even through the pain.  So, today once again, I'm choosing to walk through it...with a God who not only cares about my pain...but who is willing to walk through the fire with me.  


I'm trying to keep looking forward - because the flame dims a little when I look backwards.  It's going to be a great year in my world.  New things, new goals, new directions, new relationships.  And young Mr. Standberry graduates college this comin' year...and might just be my roommate again for awhile if he lands in Austin...unless the Air Force gets the nod or he goes to law school or that MBA comes knockin'.  The possibilities are almost limitless.  Ahhh, to be 22 again!  


But, HEY!  We're talkin' about ME here...after all, it's MY birthday!  And it looks like it's fresh starts all around!



"...Not only this, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance produces character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out His love into our hearts."