Happy Birthday to ME???

Well, it's that time of year once again...that allusive, mysterious beginning to summer when I get to celebrate my BIRTH day.  Wow.  The day I popped out into Montgomery County Hospital down in the Piney Woods of Conroe, Texas.  Pardon me if I'm a little underwhelmed.  Boy, that's not a good sign, is it?  I sound jaded...or cynical, or both, huh?  Funny, I'm usually pretty happy about this day. I remember lots of good ones on June 11th over the years.  My family never let one slip by without making a big deal about it...even tho' it would sometimes get combined into a "June birthdays" conglomerate celebration with a few other friends and family.  That didn't matter...I've just always known my day was special and that a few people I loved would always remember it.  But this year, my special day lands at a particularly tumultuous time on the planet for me.  You see, I buried my little brother Summer before last and my Mom followed him into the Afterlife six months to the day later.  So, if you're keepin' score; my folks are both gone now...my best friend and brother is gone, and I found out last week that my marriage of eight years is ending, too.  Yep, twelve years together and she says she's tired of working on trying to be married to me. Trouble is, I see her point.  I'm certain I'm not the least complicated heterosexual male in this zip code.  Nobody's fault really...we've both tried our butts off to settle our differences and let love win out.  But somehow it just hasn't worked - for either one of us.  (Just ask the four or five therapists and support groups we've tried.)  She's right that it's been all work and no play for a few years now..and there's something that's just not right about that, you know?  A marriage partnership needs to be easy and fun sometimes - maybe most of the time?  So how can I fault her when she says it's easier to just move on?   Sounds better on paper than played out in real life.  I'm just not very good at letting go when I really love someone.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be.  


Seriously, folks, I don't wanna freak anybody out here...but a guy starts to wonder how much loss he can take, you know?  And in case you don't know me, I'm really a good guy with an otherwise pretty rosy outlook most days...don't you think?!!  No, REALLY.  Hey!  Somebody out there VOUCH for me, will ya?!!  No, I can hear y'all now, tryin' to cheer me up...remind me how good I have it compared to the other guy who's never even had a serious relationship - and you know me, I'll tell you I'm grateful, learning, walking, gettin' thru it...all the while wondering in the back of my mind whether the coming year of life on this little blue ball is going to make me bitter or make me better.  I mean...what else is there to lose?  Man, don't even go there - 'cuz if you get me started again...I'll hafta tell you about how I used to be a great singer, but then I lost that, too.  Damn.  It does add up.  But it wouldn't be the whole truth if I left out the part where that failed neck surgery/ lost voice deal came with a silver lining.  Huh?  Whaddya mean?  Well, that silver lining's name is TJ and it's a pretty cool story.  In the Year of the Paralyzed Vocal Cord, I met up with an eleven year old who rocked my world.  Just when I thought I would spiral down into oblivion, he ordered a second Frito Pie at Sonic on our first outing and brought a smile to my face I haven't been able to wipe off since.  Remind me to tell ya about the time we were both standing on the South Rim of The Grand Canyon in stunned silence when out of nowhere, he posed the question of the year;  "Is this where the World started crackin'???"  "Uh, yes, I believe it IS!" I retorted as I spit Dr. Pepper up my nose from laughing so hard.  Yep, he's brought an indescribable joy to my world more times than I can count since then.  And here he is again buzzin' my Android at 1am with his annual, "Hey Pops!  Happy Birthday.  Have a great one!" 


So, I guess I have a choice here, don't I?  I can slide down that slippery slope into morbid reflection about all that I've lost along this journey.  Or, as was the practice of a young shepherd boy turned King of Israel, I can make a gratitude list one more time.  And by doing so, I give myself a fighting chance to avoid the personal jail cell of regret, shame, and resentment.  Instead of drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die, I can step up and take responsibility for my choices that have brought me here and by employing the magic of gratitude and acceptance, I can wake up Monday morning, June 11th to a new world.  One in which I remember that the Creator of the Universe thought SO much about little ol' me that He fanned back into flame that simple, yet profound little ember called gratitude, and once again lit the candle of Hope in my heart.  I remember a phrase my little brother used with me a few times in his last year here.  He would say, "Hey Bro...you smell like smoke."  It took me a couple of times to understand what he meant until one day he explained, "you've walked through the fire in your life, man...divorce, personal failure, loss...you've been through some stuff, big brother!  But you've perservered...you've walked through the flames and come out the other side stronger."  And so "you smell like smoke" turned out to be a compliment.  Bart honored me by recognizing my willingness to keep walking, even through the pain.  So, today once again, I'm choosing to walk through it...with a God who not only cares about my pain...but who is willing to walk through the fire with me.  


I'm trying to keep looking forward - because the flame dims a little when I look backwards.  It's going to be a great year in my world.  New things, new goals, new directions, new relationships.  And young Mr. Standberry graduates college this comin' year...and might just be my roommate again for awhile if he lands in Austin...unless the Air Force gets the nod or he goes to law school or that MBA comes knockin'.  The possibilities are almost limitless.  Ahhh, to be 22 again!  


But, HEY!  We're talkin' about ME here...after all, it's MY birthday!  And it looks like it's fresh starts all around!



"...Not only this, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance produces character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out His love into our hearts."