So, if you're one of the BR's, (been rejecteds) then I don't need to 'splain nuthin' to you. You know about that feelin' in your gut as you're desperately tryin' to fall asleep so you can possibly dream about something happy...or that same feelin' as you're just wakin' up, when you realize that this reality you've been living in for a couple of weeks is NOT a dream. It's what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's your heart breaking and the stuff inside leaking out the corners of your eyes. *dab, dab* And you know by now that that leaking problem isn't at ALL convenient. It completely has a life of its own. It's called GRIEF, and it happens whenever and whereever it wants, including at work! (shut door, pull framed pictures that used to stand on your desk out of drawer and stare at them for a minute, sob for a few more, try to figure out WHY again for another ten minutes, give up on that exercise in futility, realize you're a sloppy mess now, reach in same desk and try to find a Kleenex, give up and use your t-shirt tail, then take the incoming call from the lady who wants to know if her loan is closing Tuesday or not...while trying to sound normal, as she asks if you're having the same allergies as everyone else she knows) Hang up from that interruption call and sit there in that dull silence for a couple more minutes, then get up and go walk around the office campus, trying not to make eye contact with those people who water the building plants, and at ALL cost avoid that guy who always asks what the interest rates are lookin' like - even if you're standing at the urinal taking care of bidness.
Yeah, it's inconvenient alright. But I gotta tell ya...I'm afraid it's just a normal part of the process. Spontaneous and unpredictable, yes, but quite necessary. I know some of you are like me, and you grew up in a family that just walked AROUND the elephant in the living room. I mean, why awaken a sleeping GIANT, when you can just walk around it and leave it undisturbed? If you bring it up to just about anybody in the family system, it's gonna lead to a FAMILY MEETING, and you learned to avoid THOSE like the plague. But when you get to be a grownup, you've learned the hard way that putting things off that need to be "felt and dealt" with only compounds the problem later, right?! I can always hear that oil change commercial with the mechanic saying, "Hey, you can pay me NOW, or pay me LATER. It's up to you!" Man, I found out paying LATER isn't worth it. After a few 'rejections', I can tell you you're better off to feel that stuff NOW and get it over with...otherwise, you'll do something even dumber like go get in another relationship, thereby avoiding the feeling that's just sittin' there in the cue...and leave a huge dogpile just sittin' there stinkin', waitin' for you to sift thru it and deal with those feelings later...after having dragged another hapless human into your pile of stink...and that ain't very nice for them...or you for that matter. So, take my advice ('cuz, hell, I ain't usin' it!) : ) and just let it be inconvenient, kick the door shut, go for a drive, better yet - take a vacation by yourself, turn back the throttle on the Harley for an afternoon, or sit through a good "people/drama movie" with one of those car-packs of Kleenex and live vicariously through the characters. (especially the ones feeling rejection). That'll lighten your load little by little and help you see the new life you've got comin' thru a new pair of glasses that actually will show you some hope, if you're lucky. Not all at once, but after a few of these episodes, you'll start to feel the effects of letting go (even if it's just a little bit) and trusting some kind of Higher Power that is involved in all of this somehow. If you need to blame the HP a little, that's OK too. He/She/It is powerful enough and graceful enough to let us do just about whatever we need to do to get through this. That's one of the real serendipities for me. Learning that HP isn't sittin' back just waitin' to squash me like so many bug guts on the windshield for not performing perfectly. I think I've actually come to believe that I can take all the time I like, cry, blame, cuss, throw some sh*t, try to figger it out some more, ask why over and over, blame again, shame, bargain, scheme, cook up some great manipulation strategies to get her back, and eventually exhaust my human strength because it always runs out; then...let GO!!! (...for today.)
And tomorrow, I can start this all over at about the same spot...or I can recognize I've made progress and let that motivate me to have a little better day. And somehow, over the long haul, I find myself having let go a little at a time, and begin to notice that I've moved...even if it's only baby steps. And that's a good thing. I can eat an elephant...and y'all taught me to do it...just ONE bite at at time! Oh, yeah...couple more quick tips:
- Take it easy on yourself - stop scoring your performance so harshly during this time. This letting go is hard work...be gentle with yourself and do nice things for yourself. If you're like me, you've lost a chunk of yourself in this relationship over time and you need to get it back. So, be good to yourself - you deserve it - and you'll keep finding lost pieces and enjoy putting them back in place!
- Look up that friend you've lost touch with since you got all bogged down into the mire of the relationship. They'll be so glad to hear from you - and they may just have a story or two from the experience that you've missed with them that will help you sort this out.
- Pray for HP to send you the people you're supposed to cross paths with right now. Then, don't forget to watch for those people coming in droves. It will blow you away WHO it is...and how perfectly they fit the need you have in that moment. God is just like that in my experience.
- Try to remember what you used to do for FUN! One time I was in a process group after a particularly low spot in my life, and they MADE me get back on my motocross bike and start riding again. This entailed pulling a motor, major bike rebuild, and gettin' back in shape...but I had the most fun hittin' the trails that summer that I have in a LONG time. Get back to doin' the FUN stuff you love. That's gonna help you rebuild what you've lost while stuck underground in this dysfunctional funk you've been in.
- Practice ACCEPTANCE with some grace. Some days, the best you're gonna be able to do is to say, "Today, I'm reluctant to accept." Better yet, "Today I JUST DO NOT FREAKIN' ACCEPT THIS SITUATION! IT AIN'T RIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE IT, AND IT AIN'T FAIR!" My friend Melody Beattie says that you've done your Acceptance work for the day - even if all you can muster is to say the above. There will be better days ahead, but don't beat yourself up if acceptance comes along slowly. That's just how Life is sometimes.
- Lastly, get yo' body lookin' GOOD, girl! There's no better time to rebuild your self esteem than after gettin' dumped, and it has a fantastic payoff! Trust me, I KNOW this...and I'm doin' it right NOW! Have I told y'all lately what a GOOD lookin' man I am?!!! :^ )
Well, that's a longer talk than I thought we were gonna have just now. But I guess I needed to hear it. I hope it helps you, too. I know I keep saying this over and over, but I AM the luckiest man in the world to have friends like y'all! I'm gettin' thru it because y'all R O C K...and that's all there is to it! I will see y'all around this week. I'll be the deadly handsome buff dude with the good lookin' blond hair. Yeah, that's right...I will be the one who comes out a winner on THIS deal! Much love and peace, y'all!
1 comment:
BIG hugs, kiddo....much love & prayers for ya, too. But we come from a damn good bloodline.....WE got this....<3
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