I've noticed something recently. I seem to be going along, scabbing over nicely, until one of you asks me how I'm doing...or how the family's doing. In those moments, I feel a jolt of emotion connect all the way through my wiring, down to my heart in an instant...ZAP! Then, when I begin to fumble for a way to answer on 'auto-pilot", trying to skirt the issue by repeating something rote I've been saying to a few people, I make eye contact with you and realize that you aren't going to accept a rehearsed, Sunday school answer from me on this. You are asking because you REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW I AM. It's love...the kind we've been developing and growing for years together...and now you're asking for the REAL stuff. I check my system resources and while that little flashlight is wagging back and forth trying to decide if the information you seek is indeed inside the heartfile you're polling, my little diagram pops up and shows that the CPU Usage is 100%. Overtaxed. I'm on overload. I can no longer disseminate the info you seek without a quick reboot. I am so shared out, so emotionally wrung out, ultimately I guess...left feeling numbed out, that I want to spare my heart the hit. But because Don Phillips was my dad, (might as well blame it on him - he ain't here to speak for himself) I can't go there. Not because I don't WANT to, mind you, I mean I CAN'T go there because I can't do it. My autopilot quit working a few years ago when it didn't get used for awhile. So, I stumble along these days - authentic and open to a fault - heck, I've cried in front of total strangers. Yesterday, this guy I haven't seen in ten years stood there in the pouring rain in a parking lot and prayed for me...and it wasn't some short little cliche' prayer. I mean, he put his strong hands on my shoulders with a grip that was almost scary and he proceeded to really PRAY for me...and it helped. I think in that moment, I could feel that flashlight disappear, followed by the system resources screen showing that my strength bounced back up to about 90%. And I walked away knowing I could live with the pain and loss for another day. It was about 1 o'clock and I had a transfusion that would carry me through the afternoon and into the evening, where I met up with my home group, who stepped in and took over the supporting role. Amazing. The resources are YOU...God's gift to me and my family while we get to carry this grief.
So how AM I doing? Hmmm....God, you got anything? OK, OK...here's a short answer: I think I'm RIGHT where I'm supposed to be in this long, arduous process. And for me, tonight, that is enough. Thanks, God.
