Ever had your heart stomped on???

Have you ever been rejected?  I'm talking slam dunk face plant, knock yo' teefs out, dumperooski, kicked to the curb, BAM!  If you have, then you immediately know what I'm talking about.  If not, then you're probably not in the least drawn to this question.  If that's you (The NBR person), go get yourself a pedicure at one of those nice places run by the Vietnamese ladies that are SO good at what they do...or go to The Arbor Car Wash and let those guys detail your truck - and let that lady behind the lattice work half wall in the corner of the waiting area wring you out in that massage chair for 15 minutes. You'll be glad you did.  The rest of ya...let's get down and dirty for a minute, whaddya say?

So, if you're one of the BR's, (been rejecteds) then I don't need to 'splain nuthin' to you.  You know about that feelin' in your gut as you're desperately tryin' to fall asleep so you can possibly dream about something happy...or that same feelin' as you're just wakin' up, when you realize that this reality you've been living in for a couple of weeks is NOT a dream.  It's what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  It's your heart breaking and the stuff inside leaking out the corners of your eyes.  *dab, dab*  And you know by now that that leaking problem isn't at ALL convenient.  It completely has a life of its own.  It's called GRIEF, and it happens whenever and whereever it wants, including at work! (shut door, pull framed pictures that used to stand on your desk out of drawer and stare at them for a minute, sob for a few more, try to figure out WHY again for another ten minutes, give up on that exercise in futility, realize you're a sloppy mess now, reach in same desk and try to find a Kleenex, give up and use your t-shirt tail, then take the incoming call from the lady who wants to know if her loan is closing Tuesday or not...while trying to sound normal, as she asks if you're having the same allergies as everyone else she knows)  Hang up from that interruption call and sit there in that dull silence for a couple more minutes, then get up and go walk around the office campus, trying not to make eye contact with those people who water the building plants, and at ALL cost avoid that guy who always asks what the interest rates are lookin' like - even if you're standing at the urinal taking care of bidness.

Yeah, it's inconvenient alright.  But I gotta tell ya...I'm afraid it's just a normal part of the process.  Spontaneous and unpredictable, yes, but quite necessary.  I know some of you are like me, and you grew up in a family that just walked AROUND the elephant in the living room.  I mean, why awaken a sleeping GIANT, when you can just walk around it and leave it undisturbed?  If you bring it up to just about anybody in the family system, it's gonna lead to a FAMILY MEETING, and you learned to avoid THOSE like the plague.  But when you get to be a grownup, you've learned the hard way that putting things off that need to be "felt and dealt" with only compounds the problem later, right?!  I can always hear that oil change commercial with the mechanic saying, "Hey, you can pay me NOW, or pay me LATER.  It's up to you!"  Man, I found out paying LATER isn't worth it.  After a few 'rejections', I can tell you you're better off to feel that stuff NOW and get it over with...otherwise, you'll do something even dumber like go get in another relationship, thereby avoiding the feeling that's just sittin' there in the cue...and leave a huge dogpile just sittin' there stinkin', waitin' for you to sift thru it and deal with those feelings later...after having dragged another hapless human into your pile of stink...and that ain't very nice for them...or you for that matter.  So, take my advice ('cuz, hell, I ain't usin' it!)  : )  and just let it be inconvenient, kick the door shut, go for a drive, better yet - take a vacation by yourself, turn back the throttle on the Harley for an afternoon, or sit through a good "people/drama movie" with one of those car-packs of Kleenex and live vicariously through the characters. (especially the ones feeling rejection).  That'll lighten your load little by little and help you see the new life you've got comin' thru a new pair of glasses that actually will show you some hope, if you're lucky.  Not all at once, but after a few of these episodes, you'll start to feel the effects of letting go (even if it's just a little bit) and trusting some kind of Higher Power that is involved in all of this somehow.  If you need to blame the HP a little, that's OK too.  He/She/It is powerful enough and graceful enough to let us do just about whatever we need to do to get through this.  That's one of the real serendipities for me. Learning that HP isn't sittin' back just waitin' to squash me like so many bug guts on the windshield for not performing perfectly.  I think I've actually come to believe that I can take all the time I like, cry, blame, cuss, throw some sh*t, try to figger it out some more, ask why over and over, blame again, shame, bargain, scheme, cook up some great manipulation strategies to get her back, and eventually exhaust my human strength because it always runs out;  then...let GO!!!  (...for today.)  

And tomorrow, I can start this all over at about the same spot...or I can recognize I've made progress and let that motivate me to have a little better day.  And somehow, over the long haul, I find myself having let go a little at a time, and begin to notice that I've moved...even if it's only baby steps.  And that's a good thing.  I can eat an elephant...and y'all taught me to do it...just ONE bite at at time!  Oh, yeah...couple more quick tips:  

• Take it easy on yourself - stop scoring your performance so harshly during this time.  This letting go is hard work...be gentle with yourself and do nice things for yourself.  If you're like me, you've lost a chunk of yourself in this relationship over time and you need to get it back.  So, be good to yourself - you deserve it - and you'll keep finding lost pieces and enjoy putting them back in place!  
• Look up that friend you've lost touch with since you got all bogged down into the mire of the relationship.  They'll be so glad to hear from you - and they may just have a story or two from the experience that you've missed with them that will help you sort this out.  
• Pray for HP to send you the people you're supposed to cross paths with right now.  Then, don't forget to watch for those people coming in droves.  It will blow you away WHO it is...and how perfectly they fit the need you have in that moment.  God is just like that in my experience.
• Try to remember what you used to do for FUN!  One time I was in a process group after a particularly low spot in my life, and they MADE me get back on my motocross bike and start riding again.  This entailed pulling a motor, major bike rebuild, and gettin' back in shape...but I had the most fun hittin' the trails that summer that I have in a LONG time.  Get back to doin' the FUN stuff you love.  That's gonna help you rebuild what you've lost while stuck underground in this dysfunctional funk you've been in.
• Practice ACCEPTANCE with some grace.  Some days, the best you're gonna be able to do is to say, "Today, I'm reluctant to accept."  Better yet, "Today I JUST DO NOT FREAKIN' ACCEPT THIS SITUATION!  IT AIN'T RIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE IT, AND IT AIN'T FAIR!" My friend Melody Beattie says that you've done your Acceptance work for the day - even if all you can muster is to say the above. There will be better days ahead, but don't beat yourself up if acceptance comes along slowly.  That's just how Life is sometimes.
• Lastly, get yo' body lookin' GOOD, girl!  There's no better time to rebuild your self esteem than after gettin' dumped, and it has a fantastic payoff!  Trust me, I KNOW this...and I'm doin' it right NOW!  Have I told y'all lately what a GOOD lookin' man I am?!!!  :^ )

Well, that's a longer talk than I thought we were gonna have just now.  But I guess I needed to hear it.  I hope it helps you, too.  I know I keep saying this over and over, but I AM the luckiest man in the world to have friends like y'all!  I'm gettin' thru it because y'all R O C K...and that's all there is to it!  I will see y'all around this week.  I'll be the deadly handsome buff dude with the good lookin' blond hair.  Yeah, that's right...I will be the one who comes out a winner on THIS deal!  Much love and peace, y'all!

Happy Birthday to ME???

Well, it's that time of year once again...that allusive, mysterious beginning to summer when I get to celebrate my BIRTH day.  Wow.  The day I popped out into Montgomery County Hospital down in the Piney Woods of Conroe, Texas.  Pardon me if I'm a little underwhelmed.  Boy, that's not a good sign, is it?  I sound jaded...or cynical, or both, huh?  Funny, I'm usually pretty happy about this day. I remember lots of good ones on June 11th over the years.  My family never let one slip by without making a big deal about it...even tho' it would sometimes get combined into a "June birthdays" conglomerate celebration with a few other friends and family.  That didn't matter...I've just always known my day was special and that a few people I loved would always remember it.  But this year, my special day lands at a particularly tumultuous time on the planet for me.  You see, I buried my little brother Summer before last and my Mom followed him into the Afterlife six months to the day later.  So, if you're keepin' score; my folks are both gone now...my best friend and brother is gone, and I found out last week that my marriage of eight years is ending, too.  Yep, twelve years together and she says she's tired of working on trying to be married to me. Trouble is, I see her point.  I'm certain I'm not the least complicated heterosexual male in this zip code.  Nobody's fault really...we've both tried our butts off to settle our differences and let love win out.  But somehow it just hasn't worked - for either one of us.  (Just ask the four or five therapists and support groups we've tried.)  She's right that it's been all work and no play for a few years now..and there's something that's just not right about that, you know?  A marriage partnership needs to be easy and fun sometimes - maybe most of the time?  So how can I fault her when she says it's easier to just move on?   Sounds better on paper than played out in real life.  I'm just not very good at letting go when I really love someone.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be.  


Seriously, folks, I don't wanna freak anybody out here...but a guy starts to wonder how much loss he can take, you know?  And in case you don't know me, I'm really a good guy with an otherwise pretty rosy outlook most days...don't you think?!!  No, REALLY.  Hey!  Somebody out there VOUCH for me, will ya?!!  No, I can hear y'all now, tryin' to cheer me up...remind me how good I have it compared to the other guy who's never even had a serious relationship - and you know me, I'll tell you I'm grateful, learning, walking, gettin' thru it...all the while wondering in the back of my mind whether the coming year of life on this little blue ball is going to make me bitter or make me better.  I mean...what else is there to lose?  Man, don't even go there - 'cuz if you get me started again...I'll hafta tell you about how I used to be a great singer, but then I lost that, too.  Damn.  It does add up.  But it wouldn't be the whole truth if I left out the part where that failed neck surgery/ lost voice deal came with a silver lining.  Huh?  Whaddya mean?  Well, that silver lining's name is TJ and it's a pretty cool story.  In the Year of the Paralyzed Vocal Cord, I met up with an eleven year old who rocked my world.  Just when I thought I would spiral down into oblivion, he ordered a second Frito Pie at Sonic on our first outing and brought a smile to my face I haven't been able to wipe off since.  Remind me to tell ya about the time we were both standing on the South Rim of The Grand Canyon in stunned silence when out of nowhere, he posed the question of the year;  "Is this where the World started crackin'???"  "Uh, yes, I believe it IS!" I retorted as I spit Dr. Pepper up my nose from laughing so hard.  Yep, he's brought an indescribable joy to my world more times than I can count since then.  And here he is again buzzin' my Android at 1am with his annual, "Hey Pops!  Happy Birthday.  Have a great one!" 


So, I guess I have a choice here, don't I?  I can slide down that slippery slope into morbid reflection about all that I've lost along this journey.  Or, as was the practice of a young shepherd boy turned King of Israel, I can make a gratitude list one more time.  And by doing so, I give myself a fighting chance to avoid the personal jail cell of regret, shame, and resentment.  Instead of drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die, I can step up and take responsibility for my choices that have brought me here and by employing the magic of gratitude and acceptance, I can wake up Monday morning, June 11th to a new world.  One in which I remember that the Creator of the Universe thought SO much about little ol' me that He fanned back into flame that simple, yet profound little ember called gratitude, and once again lit the candle of Hope in my heart.  I remember a phrase my little brother used with me a few times in his last year here.  He would say, "Hey Bro...you smell like smoke."  It took me a couple of times to understand what he meant until one day he explained, "you've walked through the fire in your life, man...divorce, personal failure, loss...you've been through some stuff, big brother!  But you've perservered...you've walked through the flames and come out the other side stronger."  And so "you smell like smoke" turned out to be a compliment.  Bart honored me by recognizing my willingness to keep walking, even through the pain.  So, today once again, I'm choosing to walk through it...with a God who not only cares about my pain...but who is willing to walk through the fire with me.  


I'm trying to keep looking forward - because the flame dims a little when I look backwards.  It's going to be a great year in my world.  New things, new goals, new directions, new relationships.  And young Mr. Standberry graduates college this comin' year...and might just be my roommate again for awhile if he lands in Austin...unless the Air Force gets the nod or he goes to law school or that MBA comes knockin'.  The possibilities are almost limitless.  Ahhh, to be 22 again!  


But, HEY!  We're talkin' about ME here...after all, it's MY birthday!  And it looks like it's fresh starts all around!



"...Not only this, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance produces character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out His love into our hearts."