It was about midnight, maybe a little later, one year ago tonight that the shrill sound of the cell phone erupted uncharacteristically in the bedroom, disturbing a rather routine and common evening. I'm not sure why I even had it in there...usually it's plugged in downstairs. But on that night it rang loud and clear...piercing the still night with intrusive sound and light. Little did I know the voice of my brother-in-law on the other end would bring a message that would shatter our world - in a moment. Like a bomb going off, he spoke the words that my baby brother had collapsed and been rushed to the hospital. Even tho' in that moment, Bart delicately clung to life, it would not be long until that same phone would break the silence again to announce that he was gone...gone to another world...much too far from our own. I remember all the strength going out of my legs and only being able to crumple to the floor by my aspen log bed firmly gripping the heavy texture of the cowboy comforter to steady my balance. I remember crying out, "NOOO! NOOO! NOOO! Not Bart!!!" Over and over. And quickly that thought, why not me instead? Why not ME? After a year of ciphering on that question, I'm prepared to own that it just might be one of the most arrogant things we/I ever utter, I suppose. God chose whom he chose and for reasons I/we may never know. And so this past year has been another tough lesson in acceptance. To learn, again, that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth, that hardship is the pathway to peace. How many ways can we say that? Acceptance of that which I do not understand nor WANT to accept at all is once again placed in front of me...this time in rudely, starkly, heart-breakingly cold fashion. But there it is...and there it has been...sitting...for a year now. Impossible to believe it's been that long. It's like time just froze in some ways. If I could indeed freeze time, could we possibly beg God for a reprieve, manipulate the Creator of the Universe, make an alternative suggestion that He allow this to take a different course? Maybe that we wake up from this dark slumber to find that we were only having a bad dream and instead of the grueling work of acceptance being our lot, we get to experience complete relief and redemption from the world-rocking nightmare that has befallen us by waking UP? Damn....no such luck. That empty wish has long since subsided, of course...and made way for the stinging reality of his absence from this world. So many days driving home from the office, I've reached for my cell to hit the contact photo that says "Bart"...only to remember that there's no one there now...that the phone that used to ring is not even his number anymore. Some stranger now picks up her I Phone with the 719 area code followed by the seven digits that used to connect me to the Life that would complete my week. Just not there anymore. Oh, yeah, I get that "he's in a better place"...and that "he's here in another form and all that sh*t". On my good days, I think I can even see a little progress in the acceptance process. But today, on the anniversary of his death, I just don't feel it. I just MISS him. And those words are SO inadequate...pitifully so. I lack Bart. I lack his laugh, his stories, his activity, his troubles, his judgement of me, his fear I'd be inappropriate, his goofy faces while he was doing an impression, his long prayers at family of origin dinners, his giant Diet Coke in hand, his "seasoned" work car with the back full of samples of this and that, his need for that "doo-dad" for that car so it would continue to run, I lack his unmistakeable faith in God...no matter what. On days when mine had completely run out, he would listen one more time and tell me it was going to be OK. The older brother getting consolation and counsel from the younger. It was not always welcome, but today, I'd trade a LOT of important stuff for an hour of that counsel. Bart had come into his own and was on a rocket into that dimension of Life where few people get to live. And it was stellar to watch. Though he flamed out quickly - in an instant - we all got to see an amazing transformation and the coming into his own of a man who understood the Calling. Make no mistake, he was as human as you and me, sometimes more so, (just ask Suzi) but he had a focus on that calling that Ty Lovell called "laser-like", and it was an inspiration to watch. Amazing. And now he's gone...but not forgotten, as Tulio posted today. Nope, Tulio, he's not. Not a day goes by that he or Suzi or the boys don't cross my mind. Gabe turned 13 yesterday. Becoming a man after his dad's own heart. And I guess that's how we're going to get to "see Bart" in the future...through his boys...through his family...his legacy. Well...I've made my grief and dissatisfaction with reality known quite enough here by now, I'm sure...so I'll stop my whining, and finish with this: Bart's death has motivated me to live life with a sense of purpose and intention that I simply did not have before his passing. I didn't know that would happen...I didn't anticipate it. I didn't plan to open a Sober Home for men in my rent property and spend my Sundays as a Chaplain, teaching in a residential treatment center that I have come to call "my church". I guess I just kept doing what you all told me I needed to do to survive the grief and a year later, new fruit has been borne. Hmmm...and I've had an inspiration even in the lean and difficult stretches of this last year that is palpable. It's him. I can feel it. It's his wind at my back, his foot on my accelerator, his unshakeable faith in my back pocket...moving me to the next place. That's how I get to experience him today. And I guess that's enough. You know how I feel about the loss. So, thanks for listening and for sticking with this story until I got to the good part. I hope Bart's life and death have inspired you, too, this year...to greater things than you thought you'd be doing. I hope you're surprised like me...that you are walking in a faith that is more real, that is more human, that is more visible...and surprised that it has taken you further than you thought you'd have traveled in the last year. Maybe that's just ol' Bart - doin' his usual job of motivating and loving us on to deeper love and good works.
