OK...so my purpose in writing this blog was to work my way thru the emotions of the moment and discharge thoughts and feelings so that I will move through this in as healthy a way as possible. So, tonight, I ain't feelin' so spiritual and I ain't got nothin' happy to write. I just drove up in my driveway, pulled the mail from the rock mailbox a ways from the house and noticed I had a "sympathy card" in the pile of bills. I've gotten at least one of these a day for the past two weeks, it seems. Some days, I read your sympathies and your honest gut level condolences and I feel grateful to be loved and glad you're helping me bear my burden. NOT TONIGHT. Tonight I tore open the envelope and read the sentiment - quickly acknowledged it - and then realized my MOST prevalent thought in THIS moment is this: I don't want a bunch of F'in sympathy cards DAMMIT! I WANT MY LITTLE BROTHER BACK RIGHT NOW! I don't WANT to be the charity case for whom everyone feels sorry and pats on - NOT TONIGHT! I WANT BART BACK!!!!! He's MY brother....and it just AIN'T RIGHT that he's gone! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit D A M M I T ! ! ! ! This is supposed to happen to SOMEBODY ELSE...I don't care WHO! Just somebody else! I'm SICK of tellin' the story. I tell it so much, I've gotten freakin' GOOD AT IT! I can make it sound like I'm just molded right into God's plan...so neat and clean. Well it ain't NEAT and it ain't CLEAN!!! It's MESSY and UGLY and SAD and it SUCKS!!! I can't stop thinkin' about the boys and what they need...how young Suzi is and how unfair this all is. Is JUST ain't RIGHT!!!! God, are you LISTENIN'???? HELLOOOOOO?????!!!!! (If you stopped by hoping for some clean theological exposition that winds it's way around to happiness and resolution, I'm afraid you picked the wrong day to stop by. I'm all out of bows to put on top of this one. But I'll promise you this: I will always strive to be real here. I'm not going to shine you on. So, when you get lucky and it's one of those nights with clarity and encouragement and joy, then maybe you'll buy into it more readily...when it's coming from the same guy who's willing to tell you what he's really feeling. I hope so.)
I need some windshield wipers. I can't see the damned monitor thru the streaks on my eyeballs. I'm thinking about where Eugene Peterson translates Psalm 77: David is completely out of gas and torn up over his feeling of abandonment by God. In the process of his whinin' and spittin' and kickin', he writes, "Great! Just about the time I need Him, the High God goes out of business! Perfect!" I hear you, David. I hear you BIG TIME tonight. I have heard you LOTS of times when I was trying to accept what this Life throws at us on some days. Well, God, this one is JUST TOO BIG!!! I wish I could sound all spiritual and willing....but this is JUST too big.....tonight. I need to sleep....I need some Blue Bell...I need an embrace from somebody who knows...I need some water, I'm dehydrated from sitting at a football game...(so I could try and think about something else for awhile...it didn't work :( ) I need, I need, I need....I need my brother back. God, you got a miracle up your sleeve???
4 comments:
Oh Wes...I know. I am so glad you are "getting it all out"... I have said this several times, but it still rings so true. I am Bart's cousin...that has so many fond memories of him...we grew up together during holidays, family gatherings, etc. I miss him terribly. Just the thought of him not being on this earth sucks. It stings. I can only imagine your pain being magnified 10,000 times greater. My heart hurts for you...and I want you to know that I am praying you through this. I can't imagine losing my brother. When I do think of it it is too much. I'm rambling...there's a reason I haven't started my own blog ;) Just know that you are in our prayers...and I'm specifically praying for the void you are feeling to be filled by God and all good things...Bart would want that! Love you...
Hearin' ya, man. Whew... am I.
Wes: To one who is truly trudging his way across the shadow of the Valley of Death...
Through the years we have lost or observed losses that especially do not make sense... that we question and scream out why would God allow this to happen? I read your blog and identified with many of your emotions and thoughts, although most of my family losses were more of the expected kind (parents). You, like David, are so well acquainted with the only One we can cry out to and question at this deepest level of our spirits. So, it's ok brother, we hear your hurt, your doubt, your most intimate thoughts about this true nightmare of your family's life.
About Miracles:
Now, you asked God about miracles, I immediately had a thought from the Spirit: Bart's entire life was a MIRACLE. The Phillips family have been walking, talking miracles for generations, Suzi and the boys are miracles, and the ability God gave you to write your blog is a miracle. I assert that all of this, including the way your family is demonstrating to the world (especially non believers) how to literally walk through the valley of death, is a TRUE MIRACLE. You need to remember that those who don't know the One to cry out to, would ask for that very miracle.
I know that these words do not numb the pain or take away the constant thoughts and memories that come to your mind---we are all just trying to cope with it ourselves, on a less intense level, and trying to help you and the family cope, as best we can.
A final thought brother: you are a walking miracle yourself, one that the Father is especially fond of!
We love you and appreciate your expressions of real, gut-level emotions! Blessings, Lynn & Oleta Lovell
Lynn Lovell...you were delivered to me STRAIGHT from the throne room on the day of Bart's Memorial in Argyle. I have missed my dad SO much and knowing how close you two have been for SO long just binds me to you in spirit in ways I almost don't know how to express. I'm SO grateful to be heard...to be accepted in my pain and questioning...and to be held in such esteem. I love you man and am SO blessed that God has brought our paths together again. More to come. -Wes
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